The Rules of the RSVP

Having organized many, many game nights and random other events, I thought I’d write about the proper etiquette of how to respond to invitations. Most of this is common sense, but I’ve been realizing that common sense isn’t so common, so I just want to share what I believe to be the best practices of giving a quality RSVP.

• Rule #1: Just commit. Even Jesus says something about this: “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one” (Matthew 5:37). It’s kind of extreme but you get the point: obviously it’s fine to not be so cut and dry, but do your best to tell the organizer which way you’re leaning and why.
• Rule #2: Don’t say maybe. This is kind of similar to rule #1, but I need to stress how important it is to NOT SAY MAYBE. Maybes suck because it just takes up a spot on my limited-space event, and forces me to follow back up with you to see if you’re ready to commit. Not only that, but it also means I can’t invite somebody else to take your spot until you’ve committed.
• Rule #3: Be timely. I love it when people are able to commit one way or the other right away, but I understand if there are priorities that prevent them from responding immediately. Ideally, respond within 4-8 hours, and if you take more than 24 hours to respond then there’d better be a good explanation as to why. (Author’s note: These time frames were intended only for individual text invitations — my preferred method — for events happening within the week. If it’s an Evite for some event a month out, it’s totally fine to wait longer before responding.)
• Rule #4: Don’t flake at the last minute. Yes, sometimes you have to flake due to unavoidable circumstances, but at least apologize and try to give as much heads-up as possible. Recently I had a friend flake last minute to a game night, but they explained what happened, and also asked if it was okay that they skip the game night. I didn’t mind because of the way they did it, and also because it was an anomaly for that particular friend. On the other end of the spectrum, a friend of a friend committed to one of my volleyball meetups, and then flaked last minute “because of work”…I’m not inclined to invite that person again. 
• Rule #5: Show your appreciation. It takes effort and some degree of vulnerability to extend an invitation, and it’s helpful if the invitee recognizes that. Saying thanks is just the baseline; try to see if there are other things you can do to help the organizer, like offering to bring snacks or helping to clean up afterwards. Even if you have to say no, say something nice about how you wish you could make it (only if this is the truth, obviously).
• Rule #6: Don’t say no publicly. It annoys me to no end that this is the least observed Rule of the RSVP. Guys, the last thing an organizer wants is to send out an invitation and have 5 people reply all and say no immediately (or on Evite). I try to sidestep this a couple of ways: before sending out the invitation, I check to make sure there are people who will say yes. The other option (my preferred method) is to only invite people individually via text…that way it doesn’t matter (as much) if they turn you down individually. Bottom line: if you know you can’t make an event, don’t say no publicly unless there’s already a quorum of folks who have said yes. Just privately message or text the organizer to thank them for the invitation and let them know why you can’t make it.
• Rule #7: Don’t say no too often. If you say no too many times, don’t be surprised if you’re no longer invited to future events. If that’s intentional then fine, otherwise just make sure you make an effort to maintain the relationship, stress how much you wanted to be there but just couldn’t, and/or check in with the organizer afterwards.

There’s actually one last guideline (not rule) I wanted to mention before finishing this post: don’t ask who else is coming before committing. I used to feel stronger about this guideline, but nowadays I tend to not mind as long as the person followed all the other rules above. Speaking from experience, I think most people tend to follow this guideline, so it’s less of an issue than, say, rule #6.

Simple enough, right? So glad I finally wrote this all down for public consumption, as it may spark my inspiration for a future book on all the other common sense things that aren’t so common nowadays.

Happy RSVP-ing friends!