“Let’s meet up,” part 2

“I’m not a good reacher-outer,” Kevin said, rather matter-of-factly.

Kevin had moved out of the Bay Area a few years ago, but prior to that he was one of my closest friends…I was also a groomsman in his wedding over 10 years ago. Our friendship has changed over the years, but we still keep in touch even though it’s not as frequent as before.

I was visiting Kevin for the weekend and had suggested he reach out to a mutual friend. I was a bit surprised at his response since it was the first time I had heard him make this statement, and it made me think:

1. How do you maintain relationships with friends who aren’t good “reacher-outers” (and how did I do it with Kevin)?
2. What does “let’s meet up” look like when you have friends who never reach out to you?
3. What criteria do you use to determine which friends you reach out to?

The last question’s probably the easiest to tackle, so I’ll start there. It seems like the obvious criteria is best illustrated by the following Venn diagram:

Each of us probably spends different amounts of time in each part of the diagram depending on the season, but I imagine this captures how most people operate. (If anybody has any other criteria I’d love to hear it.)

So, what do you do with friends who aren’t good reacher-outers? I actually have a lot of experience in this area because I’m a better reacher-outer than most people. As I mentioned in the end of my last post, I’ve (mostly) made peace with that because we’re all different and bring our own unique gifts to each friendship. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to continue reaching out to friends who don’t return the favor, but it does mean I have to be judicious about which friendships to continue investing in.

In addition, it’s only natural that friendships evolve over time. People get married, have kids, move. When I first met Kevin he was single, and we saw each other at church every Sunday and in our community group every Thursday. In our community group we would share what’s going on with our lives and pray for each other, and that made it easier to meet up for a mid-week lunch or on the weekends for a social group get-together.

Things changed gradually, and we met up less, but in hindsight it was during those Thursdays when we shared our deepest and darkest secrets with each other that I realized Kevin was a friend I wanted for life. Over the years I’ve learned that sometimes friendships are for a season, sometimes they’re for life, and paradoxically, sometimes they change categories. Or, sometimes, the friends I wanted for life are so bad at reciprocating or reaching out that I wonder if I’ve over-invested in those relationships. It’s in those moments when I have to remind myself to let go of my expectations and change my strategy depending on how I feel about that particular friendship.

In Kevin’s example, I decided to find a different way to connect and maintain our friendship after he moved out of the area. Since biking was a common interest and we had biked together before, I found a metric century bike ride in his area that we could do together. Not that I needed an excuse to visit, but it was the perfect way to spend the weekend with him and his family. I got to catch up with him one-on-one on the bike ride, and also spend time with his wife and kids. I felt incredibly loved by both him and his wife as they were amazing hosts to me for the weekend, and it was yet another reminder that just because a friend isn’t a good reacher-outer doesn’t mean they don’t care about the friendship.

Of course, a part of me misses the days of yore when we saw each other twice a week and had deep times of sharing and prayer. But I mostly think of those times with fondness and gratitude, and know that season was a gift since it was then that our friendship was forged.

Circling back to the Venn diagram: it’s ironic that the only category Kevin really fits in now is “enjoy hanging out with the most.” Given his current life stage he’s not always the most responsive, and now that he’s not in the area it’s definitely inconvenient to meet up. I’m not sure what criteria would have told me to continue reaching out to Kevin, but I’m so glad I did. After all, sometimes friendships defy logic and transcend Venn diagrams.