“Where are you from?”, part 3

So I got a lot more data/feedback after part 2 of “Where are you from?”, and figured I’d write a follow-up to my follow-up. 🙃

“Where are you from?” In case you missed it, my thinking on this question actually changed from when I first started writing part 2 to when I finished it. While I still maintain that “where did you grow up?” is a better question than “where are you from?”, I acknowledge that the latter is a natural question, and it’s okay to ask as long as the follow-up is not awkward and weird. My friend Aaron reminded me that most people aren’t from the Bay Area, and apparently he’s asked the question all the time even though he’s Caucasian, which is interesting because I’m rarely asked that question. Maybe people are more sensitive about asking minorities that question in the Bay Area, and the people who continue asking just haven’t gotten the memo. 😉

“What ethnicity are you?” I love what Miles, who describes himself as “the epitome of the racially ambiguous man,” had to say on this topic. “I get questioned on where I’m from all the time! Whenever somebody asks me that and what they really want to know is, ‘what ethnicity are you?’ I simply cut to the chase and ask them whether they want to know what ethnicity I am. The answer is almost always, ‘yes.’ And I’ve found the most interesting thing to do is to ask them, ‘ok, soooo…what ethnicity do you think I am?’ It’s fascinating for me and fun for the other person, and cuts back on some of the awkwardness that can follow.”

Being “hapa” or mixed race. To quote NPR, “hapa is a Hawaiian pidgin word used to describe mixed-race people — primarily, though not exclusively, those who are half white and half Asian.” I was reminded of this term by my friend Laura since she was giving me her perspective as a half-Asian. “Personally, I really like it when people ask where I’m from (because it allows me to talk about it – it usually leads to mentioning spending time in Japan as a kid – which leads to the answer they want). And I actually really like it when people ask me what I am, or what my ethnicity is – because it is an actual time when people see me as what I am: hapa.” I have another mixed-race friend who echoed some of the same sentiments: “You’re giving me a chance to explain how I’m unique and different…basically, how I’m a special snowflake.” 😂

In part 1 of “Where are you from?”, I talk about how West Virginian Aaron (“A” going forward as that’s his nickname, also to distinguish him from Arizonan Aaron above) just saw me as American, and how I really liked that. Ironically, I wonder if that’s because I’m more aligned with Asian culture in the area of ethnicity and race: Asians value being part of a group, whereas Americans celebrate the individual. In other words, maybe if I was “really American” I would have insisted on being labeled as a Taiwanese-American snowflake, since I would want to retain that part of my heritage.

That’s also part of the reason why I only asked my friend Nate about his half-Asian background after he volunteered it; I just saw him as an American, much like how “A” saw me. That isn’t to say I wasn’t curious and actually wanted to ask about his ethnicity much earlier, but didn’t know how without being awkward since he didn’t have an Asian last name (see part 2).

While there’s nothing wrong with taking a color-blind approach and seeing people as “just American,” the fact remains that you do lose something when you do that. Our individual differences, and in particular our unique ethnic backgrounds, should be celebrated. In the example of Nate, I missed out on learning another facet of his history and what makes him tick. (And it turns out that Nate, like Miles, also enjoys the “guess what ethnicity I am” game with people who ask.)

I didn’t intend for this post to become a deep dive on the subculture of mixed race dynamics in America, but I love that I got this opportunity to write about my hapa/mixed-race friends as well as what I can learn from their unique perspectives. In short, I guess this means next time I can be a little less shy asking people about their ethnic backgrounds. It still comes across as a cringe-y question, though, so maybe I should just first ask them where they’re from instead. 😉

Additional reflections / takeaways:

•  Based on everyone’s feedback I guess I need to chill out a bit when people ask me where I’m from, since it’s a common question. And to be clear, I take issue with the question when people ask something along the lines of, “But where are you frommmmmmm….?” or “But where are you from….originally?”
• Practically speaking I might just take Miles’ approach and ask if they want to know my ethnicity instead. Or I might just say I’m from here and see what they follow-up with. Or I may reciprocate and ask where their ancestors are from.