“Let’s meet up,” part 4

Friend C: “Aren’t these posts about friendship? Why don’t you state that explicitly?”
Me: “Yeah, that’s not my style…but tell me why I should?”
Friend C: “You’re showing and not telling…and there’s value in telling. I think there are a couple reasons to write: to be known, and to serve your audience. You can make it clearer that you’re writing for your audience, so that they know how to make friends from what you’ve learned.”

I understood what C was saying, but a part of me resisted the idea since it seemed so presumptuous: “Here, let the expert friend-maker show you what to do.” Having said that, I agreed with where C was coming from, and was willing to try something different as a writing exercise….so here goes…

This week I celebrated my birthday by not going to work. It’s a recent tradition, and allows me to do whatever I want on my birthday:

• 2017: Went to volleyball meetup, told no one it was my birthday (but had a great time!…actually ended up at work since the volleyball court there had lights 😂)
• 2018: Small dinner, invited a new friend and didn’t tell them it was my birthday
• 2019: Organized “Let’s meet up” dinner, told most people ahead of time it was for my birthday (was hoping the one person I didn’t tell would know from FB, but he didn’t…🤦‍♂️)

In years prior I didn’t even make my birthday known on Facebook because I didn’t want to make it a big deal. Now it still feels funny to tell people it’s my birthday or for it to show up on Facebook, but I’m so grateful I’ve changed my thinking on this because it gives me the opportunity to connect with friends who do reach out. Which brings me to:

Lesson #1: Celebrate your friends, and give your friends the opportunity to celebrate you. Use your (or their) birthday if you have to. While of course I appreciated everybody who reached out and wished me a happy birthday (several of which I’m not in regular contact with), I was especially touched by the friends who told me what my friendship meant to them, either by text message or in a birthday card. That probably wouldn’t have happened if they didn’t know it was my birthday.

You also don’t have to wait until a birthday to let your friends know what you appreciate about them, although it is a good excuse to do it then, like I did for JJ (see part 3). For a non-birthday example, see what I wrote about Kevin in part 2. Also, don’t do a blog post unless you’re a blogger; do what works for you…sometimes a text message is enough. Or better yet, tell a friend in person what their friendship means to you. I dare you.

Lesson #2: Friendships happen over shared meals. That was probably the most important guest list criteria for my “Let’s meet up” dinner: we must have shared a meal together in the past year. I invite people to play volleyball and board games all the time, but they will remain just activity partners if we never hang out outside of that. That’s also why I typically ask people if they want to grab food after volleyball…friendships can’t happen without shared meals together. It can be discouraging if people never take you up on it, but I’ve learned to just take it in stride and to continue asking. Or, to avoid the possible rejection/awkwardness you can just text people beforehand and see if they’re free to eat something afterwards.

So, however you approach people you want to befriend, know that you must at some point share a meal with them. Make it a goal to do that. It doesn’t have to be 1:1, but ideally it’s in a small enough group where you can actually get to know the other person. Then, rinse and repeat.

Lesson #3: Friendships become stickier if you connect them to your existing friends. I called my birthday dinner a “Let’s meet up” dinner, but it was actually an excuse to celebrate unexpected friendships. When I told Friend M that he said, “Isn’t it more serendipitous than unexpected, since we actually have shared interests….?” In a way, he was right, but he also didn’t know how much older I was, which is really why I thought of these friendships as unexpected. Somehow, the older I get, the easier it is to make friends with people who are younger than me. That was never my goal or intention, but I’m so grateful for these younger friends because they keep me feeling young, and provide quite a bit of inspiration for this blog.

When I reflect on how I’ve managed to form these unexpected friendships with people younger and cooler than me, the answer was obvious: I connected them to each other. I can’t take credit for everything, though; in the example of my volleyball friends – yes, I made the initial connections, but it was Friend M who started the indoor volleyball team with these friends, and also M who made the game nights I hosted the most intense game nights I’ve ever had. It was those shared experiences that made us better friends with each other, and not anything I could have ever done by myself.

So…what if you’re not a connector? There are three things I would say to you:

1. Keep trying and don’t give up; I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried and failed at connecting people (it’s a lot).
2. Figure out what your gift is and how to use it to bless the friends in your life. We all have our unique gifts, and it’s when our gifts are working in tandem that friendships can really blossom.
3. Befriend a connector. 🙃

In closing, I just want to say how grateful I am for all the friends in my life, unexpected or not. As I said in part 2, friendships invariably change over time, and I’ve learned to appreciate each friendship season for what it is and to adjust my expectations accordingly when things do change. It is in this spirit that I wanted to celebrate these particular friends on my birthday: friendships can be hard to come by and harder to maintain, and I didn’t want to wait until the season’s over to tell them how much they meant to me.

Caption: It was a bit loud and the table was too big, but hopefully I proved to everyone that yes, it’s possible to have great food at a restaurant with only 3 stars on Yelp. Also, you’re looking at the only non-Asian people in the restaurant.