How to not be awkward

First, a disclaimer: my life motto is “don’t be awkward,” which means I’m very familiar with feeling awkward, and so I have worked really hard to not be awkward. By no means am I claiming to be an expert on this topic, but I do feel like I can share some lessons learned while trying to achieve social normalcy.

Second, a confession: I kind of love it when people tell me that they think somebody else is awkward, mainly because it implies they don’t think I’m awkward. It’s more flattering than anything else, since I still do feel awkward at times. But – and I think this is the key – owning your awkwardness is the best way to not be awkward. I still recall this one conversation I had with a super cool coworker several years ago:

Super cool coworker: “Yeah, so-and-so is so awkward.”

Me: “Really? I mean, I’m awkward.”

SCC: “No, you aren’t awkward. They’re awkward.”

I remember thinking, “Oh wow, I’m not awkward? Cool.” 

Also, this topic came to mind precisely because I’ve been in a few of these conversations in the past month. I didn’t ask the follow-up question on whether they thought I’m awkward, but even if they did, I’m okay with it (remember, own your awkwardness).

Third, an example. Often I’ll feel social anxiety going to large group gatherings because I don’t want to come across as awkward while wandering around aimlessly looking for people to talk to. That was how I was feeling about my friend Manit’s Friendsgiving a couple years ago after finding out that none of our mutual friends were able to make it. I had already driven to his place and parked, but a part of me just wanted to go home and avoid any potential social awkwardness (it doesn’t help that there’s usually 50-100 people there). Instead I took a deep breath, mentally braced my introverted self for an evening of extroversion, and went inside.

It ended up being totally fine, and I had a great time meeting and talking to people. It helps that I’m a social introvert and love meeting people, but even more important than that is knowing how to act like a normal human being. What do I mean by that? To me, 90% of acting normal and not being awkward is mastering the introduction. And seriously, there’s not that much to master: smile, say hi, introduce yourself, stick out your hand for a handshake, and ask the other person for their name. 

You’d think that this is common sense, but I literally had to train a friend on how to do this a couple months ago. I’m also proud of the fact that I taught a couple of my younger cousins how to do this when they were teenagers. (As a note, the advanced version of this is introducing mutual friends to each other whenever the occasion comes up.)

Beyond the introduction, though, I think of awkwardness in the following categories:

1. Physical awkwardness
2. Conversational awkwardness
3. Emotional awkwardness

Going in reverse order, emotional awkwardness is probably the most important, and yet the easiest to address: just learn to show emotions (preferably positive, but negative works too) for something that’s easy to relate to. If you’re showing a negative emotion, though, make sure to not get all intense or Kylo Ren about it.

In general guys seem to struggle with this more than girls since guys don’t know how to properly express their emotions. Perhaps a good start is to practice talking about your pet peeves in a funny, yet authentic way. It’s easy for me since I’ve had years of practice ranting about white meat chicken versus dark meat, but everybody has to start somewhere. Then, work on talking about things you’re excited about or thankful for, since people tend to be drawn to positive energy. Conversely, it’s normal to avoid people who are boring, have no emotions, or talk about boring things in monotone.

Overcoming conversational awkwardness can require a bit more technique, but it’s still a learnable skill. Common issues include not knowing what to say (which leads to awkward silences), saying the wrong thing, asking the wrong questions, and so on. While silences are frequently awkward with more surface-y (or level 1) friends, being able to share a non-awkward silence with a friend is a sign that you’ve progressed into what I call a level 2 friendship (perhaps a future blog post topic).

Being a strong S (Sensing) on the Myers-Briggs scale does not serve me well on the question-asking front. Sensing means that I take in information through the five senses and I remember details that are important to me, as opposed to N’s (Intuition) that pay attention to impressions / meanings / patterns. As such, my natural inclination is to ask who / what / when / where / why questions like a reporter trying to gather information. I’ve noticed this can be a turn-off since it comes across like I’m more interested in mundane details than who I’m talking to, although to me it is the details that help me learn more about people. However, I recognize that conversations seem to go much better when I ask open-ended questions that demonstrate genuine curiosity about whoever I’m talking to, and this is still something I’m working on.

I’m reminded of a fascinating conversation I had with a couple who was having dinner next to me when I was in Paris last month. We had just exchanged basic introductions and had a lull in the conversation when Alfred leaned over and asked me, “So….what are your passions?” It was a bit out of the blue, and it could have been perceived as an awkward question in a different context, but hey, we were in France, and I love that he asked me that question because I got to share about this blog, and also learn that his passion was guitars. To be clear, I’m not advocating that you start asking strangers what their passions are, but use your best judgment and maybe try experimenting with different open-ended questions.

I have the least to say about physical awkwardness, but there are two things that stand out to me. The first is maintaining the proper amount of eye contact during a conversation (not too much, not too little). Lifehacker says to maintain eye contact 60% of the time, which sounds about right. This is easy enough to do in 1:1 conversations, but it’s also important in group conversations to maintain some level of eye contact with everyone in the group when you’re speaking (versus just looking at one person). The second key to not be physically awkward is knowing how to greet and say goodbye to people, whether it’s with a firm handshake, hug (if you actually know them), or wave. My personal preference is to hug my friends, but I’ve also had awkward hugs since not everyone is a hugger. Nowadays I try to remain flexible and not hug those who don’t want them. 😂 

In the end, I think there’s only so much you can do to “fix” your awkwardness. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s important to fix what you can, but beyond that, what I’ve found to be the most freeing is to try to be comfortable in my own skin, warts and all. I fail daily, but am growing everyday to accept more of myself. On this journey of self-acceptance I’ve also found that on the whole, my friends accept me as I am, warts and all. Sure, some of them may joke about my awkwardness (you know who you are), but honestly, I just don’t care (that much).

Lastly, I want to close with this quote that a friend reminded me of — remember, it’s only awkward if you make it awkward.