J is for Judgey, part 2

“You’re not ordering the smoked duck?”

I had texted Olivia a suggested group takeout order based on her recommendations from XLB Kitchen, and left off the smoked duck since I didn’t think people would like it that much. TBH I was kind of hoping she wouldn’t notice, but obviously she did.

“Well,” I started, “in my mind, if I don’t like it, then most people probably wouldn’t like it either.”

She laughed, and left it at that. Later I polled a few of the dinner guests to see how they felt about smoked duck, and basically confirmed that I had made the right decision.

As a long time Elite Yelper and arbiter of good taste, I don’t mind making tough decisions and being the Person That Orders For Everyone at group meals. I know I make it look easy, but rest assured, I do agonize over making the right call on what people want as well as making sure there’s enough food for everyone.

Most of the time I consult with the group, but I’m also comfortable making executive decisions because I know what tastes good, and therefore get it right the vast majority of the time. 

Funnily enough, I actually recall the last time I almost made the wrong call while ordering — it was a few years ago, at a Japanese izakaya restaurant, and suggesting to the waitress that we go with matcha ice cream in lieu of vanilla.

“Whoa there,” more than one friend protested. “Let’s stick with vanilla.”

“Sure, no problem,” I said. I happened to be the only Asian person at this particular dinner, so it wasn’t a complete surprise that people preferred vanilla over the matcha. I also recognized that while I preferred matcha over vanilla, ultimately it’s a matter of personal preference and figuring out what most people would like.

To be clear — am I saying that everyone’s entitled to their personal preferences no matter how nonsensical it may be? Yes.

But also — do I think I’m a better person because my taste buds are more developed and appreciate the nuance of matcha more than boring old vanilla? A little bit.

I mean, I’m kidding (mostly), but I do pride myself on having better taste than most people good taste on food and random other topics. That’s how I knew, for example, that I shouldn’t order smoked duck for that group dinner. (For the record, everything else Olivia recommended was on-point…even the pumpkin fries with salted egg yolk, which I realize may not be for everyone.)

In my last blog post I was reflecting on how and why I’m judgey in addition to which things I’m judgey about, and here are some further thoughts on the topic:

1. I am opinionated (surprise surprise), which can come off as being judgey. (Also, yes I can be judgey.)
2. As mentioned above: everyone has a right to their own opinions.
3. Some opinions are more right than others.

To elaborate on the last point — I think of opinions as on a spectrum of consensus, as shown in Figure A below. On one end of the spectrum there are opinions that have a lot of consensus, to the point that they’ve become truths that I hold to be self-evident: bacon tastes awesome, dark meat is better than white meat, etc. For these issues, you need a legitimate reason to disagree with the “correct” opinion: e.g., you don’t like bacon because you’re vegetarian.

On the other end of the spectrum are opinions that don’t have any consensus: these can be more controversial topics like iPhones vs Android, Republicans vs Democrats, pro-life vs pro-choice, etc. Obviously I have opinions in those areas as well, but know that these are complex issues that don’t have a simple “correct” answer.

No matter where an opinion may fall on this spectrum of consensus, I’m always interested in understanding why people’s opinions are different than mine. It’s primarily because I enjoy getting to know people who are different than me, as evidenced by the MBTI distribution of my friends. Secondarily, I’m also gathering data to see if my own opinions are off-base, because I am open to have my mind changed if I think I’m in the “right” but am actually not.

Where my judgey-ness comes into play is if the opinion in question is on the “more consensus” (left in Figure A) side of the spectrum, and specifically, if it’s the “wrong” opinion. I still do try to ask neutral questions to determine what your legitimate reason is for disagreeing with the “right” opinion, but I also try to make sure you know that you’re in the minority on that particular issue. I guess some people perceive that as being judgey, but really, I’m doing that because I would want to know that if I were “wrong.”

Lastly, I want to be clear: by no means am I saying that my opinion is always “right” (it’s just more right than not 😂). Case in point: I don’t like IPAs, and don’t understand why people like IPAs. Quite honestly, for the longest time I tried to like IPAs because all the cool kids liked it, and thought that if I drank enough IPAs I would eventually acquire a taste for them. In addition to this there are a few other unpopular opinions I hold but I’ll refrain from sharing them here. I’m happy to share in person, though, if you promise not to be judgey about it. 😉