The Conflict Criteria

I’m in the middle of a conflict right now, and I’m trying to figure out how to deal with it. Usually the first question I wrestle with is if I should say something to whoever is causing me heartburn. Because how often do we go through life complaining about some circumstance to friends, while never saying anything to the offending party?

I know I’ve been guilty of this, but I would guess that I tend to address conflict more than the average person. Last year during a season of conflict I was informally polling friends about their conflict styles, and one friend told me, “Oh, I’m very confrontational.”

Laughing, I asked, “What do you mean?” They went on to explain that they need to talk about conflict whenever it arises, versus ignoring it or not saying anything about it. Another friend acknowledged that they were the exact opposite, and that it might not be healthy.

I suppose I’m more like my “confrontational” friend, although there is a set of criteria I use to determine if/when I should say something:

1. How important is the relationship? The more important the relationship, the more likely I am to address the conflict. Another factor to consider is the context of the relationship, and how often you’re in contact with the offending party. For example, I can’t change who’s in my family, so if I want to keep holiday gatherings drama-free I do my best to maintain the peace with them (note that this does requires dealing with conflict). On the other hand, I also try to quickly address conflict with coworkers I see and work with everyday.
2. How serious is it? There seems to be an inverse correlation between the importance of the relationship and the severity of the conflict — if it’s a casual acquaintance/friendship, I will only bring up the conflict if it’s pretty serious. If it’s one of my best friends, I might bring up a “minor” conflict I wouldn’t with other friends. Regardless of the person, though, the ultimate litmus test is how much it’s bothering me: if I can’t stop thinking about it, then I need to address it.
3. Is it me? Since I’m more sensitive than the average person, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out if I’m being crazy or if my feelings are reasonable. And while you can’t necessarily change how you’re feeling, it may not always be appropriate to subject people to your irrational fears and doubts.
4. What is my emotional state of mind? If I’ve determined that I need to “be confrontational,” I try not to say anything in the heat of the moment. At the same time I also try not to wait too long before addressing the conflict at hand. It can be a tricky balance, but I generally prefer to err on the side of expediency.

This all seems straightforward, but the difficult part comes next: after deciding that you need to do something about the conflict, what do you do or say?

Before I talk about that in a future blog post, I’m curious:

• What is your conflict style?
• What criteria do you use to determine whether to address a conflict or not?