The Conflict Criteria, part 2

“What do you want?” Cory asked.

“I want to talk to him about it,” I said, “but I also don’t want him to feel forced to talk to me.”

“I get it, but he’s going to want to talk to you. Just give him the option to continue the conversation with you.”

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was in a conflict and was trying to figure out what to do about it. Here’s what happened: somebody I knew started a podcast, and I listened to a few episodes. I thought it was interesting and relevant to what I was going through, so I set up a time to process what I was thinking with this podcast host. We met to chat through some questions I had, and a week later, I was listening to his latest podcast episode when I realized he was talking about our conversation (albeit anonymously).

It was kind of a surreal moment for me — I wasn’t sure if I felt honored or horrified. When I told Cory he said, “Oh interesting. It’s like one of your blogs, except he didn’t ask you for permission.”

As a casual blogger that writes about his friends, the irony was not lost on me — although I usually ask for permission when it’s a post that can be construed negatively. Other times I just don’t bother asking, because I assume my friends know what they’re getting into — anything and everything is up for me to write about. 😉

That was the context when I wrote the Conflict Criteria — I was trying to figure out for myself if I was bothered enough to contact the podcast host. Since I know I could be oversensitive, I asked a few friends to listen to that episode so they could tell me how I came across and whether my feelings were justified. In the end, I decided to reach out since I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

But…how do I share what I felt in a normal, non-confrontational way? This was the hard part, and what I needed Cory’s help with — I wanted to invite a conversation, but didn’t want him to feel forced to talk to me.

After processing with Cory what to write, the two principles that helped the most were the following:

1. Assume positive intent. This is great advice in any situation, but especially when emotions run high and you don’t know exactly what the other person was thinking or intended (which is basically all the time).
2. Less is more. It’s difficult to have nuanced conversations over e-mails or chat…so keep it short and try to have the conversation in real life.

I’m happy to report that everything is resolved, and it felt great to get it off my chest. Basically, I chatted him and we had a clarifying conversation over the phone about how my feelings suck and were the result of my upbringing, and I appreciated that he was open and listened to what I had to say. (I am partially kidding here, but it was a very positive conversation.)

Seriously though — not all conflict can be resolved as easily or quickly, but I believe it’s always worth it to try. And if it doesn’t turn out well…you can always blog about it.