The Rules of Punctuality

“What late people don’t understand about us on-time people,” Mike Birbiglia paused for dramatic effect, “is that we hate you.” It’s a quote from his Netflix stand-up special, Thank God for Jokes. It’s hilarious because as a generally on-time person, I can attest that it’s at least partially true, if slightly exaggerated. I have to confess, though, that I’m a hypocrite when it comes to labeling myself as an “on-time person,” as I’m frequently 10-15 minutes late to events. On the other hand, I’m rarely late when it matters.

And therein lies the rub — when it comes to punctuality, we all play by our own rules…who’s to say what the “correct” rules are?

Before I dive deeper into this topic, let me first say — of course there are valid excuses to being late: a car accident, family emergency, last minute work deadline, unexpectedly getting into the queue for Taylor Swift concert tickets…sometimes life happens and there’s nothing you can do about it. That’s not what I’m writing about in this post.

Let me describe three recent late incidents that I experienced.

1. I was planning a weekend trip to Yosemite, and wanted to leave Friday at 9 am since I was taking the day off and wanted to get up there as soon as possible. Everybody was okay with the 9 am time except one person (friend of a friend), so we settled for a 10 am departure. That morning, my friend relayed to me that his friend was running 30 minutes late, and then shortly after, an hour late. That was when I resolved to write a blog post about the topic. Little did I know that I would be blessed with a few other late incidents to write about…
2. A friend said yes to a game night I was organizing, and asked if we were doing dinner. We weren’t, but I told him I’d be happy to plan dinner if he was interested. He said yes and agreed to a start time of 6:30 pm. Just after 6 pm he said he was going to be 30 minutes late, and then ultimately showed up over an hour late.
3. I attend a biweekly church group where we discuss spiritual matters and pray for one another. A few weeks ago a regular attendee got the start time wrong, and showed up 40 minutes late.

I’m curious, dear readers — how would you have felt in my shoes for each of these incidents? This is a serious question, as I’m trying to figure out how neurotic I really am. Let me also tell you the consequences for each example:

1. We had a pretty flexible schedule, so we didn’t miss any important activities on Friday…I might have been more frustrated if a planned activity was impacted. The worst thing that happened was 4 people had to wait an hour for the 5th person to get there.
2. For dinner parties, being late just means the food is cold for late folks. For the on-time folks, it doesn’t matter as much except to figure out how much food to save for them. For game nights, there’s always the uncertainty of trying to figure out which game to play while waiting for the late folks to show up. How late will they be? How long should we wait to start a game? Which game should we play without them?
3. Since our discussions are usually deeper in nature, a late arrival tends to disrupt the normal flow of conversation. I felt bad for the person speaking when the tardy individual arrived because I got distracted and couldn’t follow what they were saying (and suspect others couldn’t either).

My point is — there is generally a cost that comes with being late, but it could vary depending on the situation. Being late to a dinner date with a significant other, for example, has bigger implications than being late to a Halloween party.

Which brings me to my own personal guidelines for punctuality:

1. Do not be late to any time-bound event where there is a rigid start time: movie or show of some kind, dinner reservation, wedding, escape room, etc.
2. It’s more critical to be on time if I’m meeting up 1:1 with a friend (versus going to a party). If I am meeting up with a friend, I try not to be more than 5-10 minutes late (which is essentially considered on-time).
3. For dinner parties, I try to be no more than 30 minutes late out of respect to the host/organizer, since they’re putting in the effort to get the food ready at a specific time.
4. For other group gatherings where there is more flexibility, show up whenever it works out for my schedule (as long as it isn’t too close to the end time).
5. Give as much heads-up as possible if you know you won’t be on time.

The last guideline is probably the most important, as lateness is a part of life…so I try to communicate that early on to avoid any surprises. I also want to stress that these are just my personal guidelines, and that I adjust my expectations/behavior depending on the event and people involved. Even so, I find myself in less than optimal situations when it comes to how on-time I should be. Case in point: last weekend I was invited to a Friendsgiving, and wasn’t sure when to show up — what if I arrived exactly on-time and am the first person there? I decided to go 20 minutes late (within my 30 minute margin for dinner parties), and found the party in full swing already. I immediately regretted my decision and made a mental note to always show up on time for this particular friend’s events.

Did it matter that I was late? No, although some of the food was starting to get cold. Could I have been more late? Absolutely…there were plenty of people there and it honestly wouldn’t have mattered if I showed up an hour later. Did it cost anyone anything because I was late? Other than the fact that I showed up with my homemade mochi…no. Does this mean I can always be late to dinner parties and it won’t matter? Maybe, but I’m also not a fan of cold food.

The last thing I want to do is to shame anyone’s late behavior, because it happens to the best of us (myself included). But also — there could be a cost to being late. All I’m asking is to be aware of what that might be, and do your best to minimize it. If you’re my friend, know that I care about your presence more than your being there on time, even if I write a blog post about your lateness afterwards.