“Where are you from?”, part 2

I love that the Merriam-Webster definition of cringe is “to recoil in distaste,” because it accurately describes how I feel when somebody (typically non-Asian) asks me, “Where are you from?”

A few years ago I wrote a blog post when this happened (tl;dr: Ask “where did you grow up” instead of “where are you from”), and since it happened again recently I decided to write a follow-up.

Since I don’t have an accent, I can only assume this person actually wanted to know where my ancestors were from. I forgot exactly how the conversation went, but this is how I translated it in my head:

Me: I’ve been in the Bay Area a long time…I went to high school and college here.
Individual 1: Oh really? Like, you grew up in the Bay Area?
Me: Pretty much.
Individual 1: Really? Like you were BORN here? As in, your mother was physically here in the Bay Area when she physically gave birth to you?
Me: You’re weird.
Individual 1: thinking (you don’t LOOK like you’re from here, and you didn’t answer the question…)
Me: Seriously?
Individual 1: What? I didn’t say anything.

While I was annoyed that Individual 1 asked me where I was from, I was more annoyed that they didn’t seem to believe me. To be honest I was surprised I reacted so strongly to the whole conversation, and I wondered if I was being too sensitive to this particular question. So I polled a few friends to see what they thought:

• Test subject C1 is a Caucasian male, and after hearing my tale of woe, laughed and said, “You get really spun up about things that don’t matter.”
• Test subject C2 is another Caucasian male, but was a bit more thoughtful in his response: “You’re being too sensitive. It’s a natural question because people are just curious about where you’re from and what your ethnic background is.”
• Test subject A1 is an Asian female, and like C1 / C2, was born and raised in the US. “I hate that question, because I think what people actually want to know is my ethnicity. Since I look ethnically ambiguous I got that question a lot when I grew up, although the worst is when people ask, ‘What are you?’”

If anything, these results just raised more questions in addition to the ones I already had:

• Is it okay to ask “Where are you from?” if the person has an accent, because “it’s obvious” they aren’t from here?
• Is it okay for Asians to ask other Asians where they’re from?
• Are Asians too sensitive about this question? Or conversely, are Caucasians too insensitive about how this question potentially makes Asians feel?

As a matter of principle I try to avoid asking where people are from, but I guess it’s normal to be curious. Just last week I was in a class where we had to partner up and share our career journeys with each other. My partner looked Indian, had an accent, and was telling me how he started his current job after getting his PhD. I asked him where he went to grad school, but somehow he thought I asked where he was before grad school. In any case, he answered both questions without blinking an eye, and we continued our conversation with none of the quiet contempt I felt in my previous exchange with Individual 1.

At the end of my original “where are you from” post, I suggested that if you really want to know the person’s ethnicity, then just ask that. But the reality is nobody does that since it’s an even more awkward and cringe-y question. In fact, a little over a week ago I was racking my brain trying to find an alternate, less awkward way to ask that exact question. Why, you ask? Well, I had met Luke* playing volleyball almost 2 months ago, and since then we’ve been playing together weekly. Like A1, Luke looks ethnically ambiguous, and I just wanted to confirm my hypothesis that he’s half- or at least partially-Asian. Did it matter what ethnicity he was? No. Was I nosy and wanted to know anyway? You bet. He had already said he grew up in the Bay Area so that didn’t provide any hints, so I had to take a different tack.

Finally I asked, “Hey so your last name sounds Asian…?” (For the record it wasn’t a clear-cut Asian last name, and he had told me his full name when we first exchanged numbers.)

He glanced at me and acknowledged, “Yeah, my dad’s Asian…I’m half Asian.”

I don’t usually like asking leading questions, but in this case I’m glad I did to satisfy my curiosity and confirm where half of his ancestors are from. All it took was some mental gymnastics, and I didn’t even have to ask where he’s from.

Caption: Luke* (not his real name) pictured here with my volleyball team…he’s the ethnically ambiguous one.