The Friend Criteria, part 2

“Your ‘Friend Criteria’ post made it seem like Type 2 friends were bad people,” Ian said. (He’s Type 2.)

I laughed, “That was the toned down version…I actually edited it based on Cory’s feedback.” (As you’ll recall, Cory’s my Type 2 roommate.)

In this post I want to dive a bit more on this topic and assure my Type 2 readers out there that no, I don’t think you’re bad people.

In the previous Friend Criteria post I asserted that there were two types of people in the world – 

• Type 1: People who think friendships need to be maintained.
• Type 2: People who think friendships don’t need to be maintained.

First, some clarifications on this very broad generalization:

• I do think it’s a spectrum (scale of 1.0 to 2.0) instead of a strict either-or categorization.
• Your type is how you operate with what I call your “primary” group of friends (defined below as Category 1).
• All of us are Type 2 to a certain extent because it’s impossible to consistently maintain ALL of your friendships, but again, where you fall on the scale is determined by how you behave with your Category 1 friends.
• Category 1: “Primary” friends. I define these friends as your closest group of local friends. This is key because I want to distinguish Category 1 friends from potentially closer friends who aren’t local. Ideally these are the friends who will celebrate your birthday with you, and also who you’d call to bail you out of jail.
• I think the main difference between how Type 1 and 2 people interact with their Category 1 friends is intentionality. Type 1’s are intentional about meeting up with their Category 1 friends, while Type 2’s default Category 1 friends are the people they see as part of their everyday lives. In other words, if you’re not a regular part of a Type 2’s life, they typically won’t reach out to you unless there’s a specific trigger that reminds them of you (out of sight, out of mind). It doesn’t mean they don’t care about the friendship, it’s just how they tend to operate.

After doing more research (i.e., talking to friends) on this topic, two things in particular have stood out to me:

• Regardless of whether they’re Type 1 or 2, everybody seems to have at least one friend that they can connect and pick things up with no matter how much time has passed between meeting up. Most of the time it’s because one or both parties have moved or entered a different stage of life (marriage, kids, job, community, etc.), but there could be other reasons as well. My friend Laura is the perfect example of this. I’ve known her since high school, and have managed to stay in touch sporadically over the years despite seeing her once every couple years. In fact, I don’t think I saw her at all in 2019, although we’ve texted back and forth, usually when there’s a trigger that reminds me of her, or vice versa. Maybe these are considered your Category 2 or 3 friends, if Category is defined by how often you meet up with these friends, instead of how good of a friend they are.
• It’s also been interesting to learn who my Type 2 friends are as well as their thought process.
  • I was shocked to find out that Ian (from the beginning of the post) was Type 2…apparently he’s Type 1 with me and his other Type 1 friends.
  • Carol told me she’s fine meeting up with friends once a year, but also adjusts how often she initiates based on what she thinks her friends need. To be clear, it doesn’t mean she *only* meets up with friends once a year; it just means she’s more free form about who she meets up with and when.
  • Allen said that while he may not often initiate with friends, he is good about responding and being present when a friend does reach out to him.

Bottom line, I do think that showing up and being present is a more important quality in a friend than whether you’re Type 1 or 2. And I do appreciate that Allen is 100% there when we do meet up.

As I have mentioned before, in the past I have experienced frustration with Type 2 friends, mainly because I was totally unaware that Type 2 people existed, and therefore needed to recalibrate my expectations. At the core of my frustration, though, is a sense of hurt and rejection from not knowing if my Type 2 friends actually wanted to be friends with me.

What I’ve learned over the years is that, yes, obviously they want to be friends with me. 😂😂😂

No, but seriously, sometimes they don’t have time to be friends with me, and that’s okay. What’s especially interesting are those Type 2 friends who I practically have to hunt down and kidnap in order to meet up with them. (Not all Type 2’s are like this…just the ones who throw around “let’s meet up” like confetti at weddings.) What I’ve realized is that just because they are hard to meet up with doesn’t mean they don’t want to be friends (although, sometimes it means they don’t want to be friends). Most of the time it felt like they did value my friendship, but are just poor organizers.

In a way it’s been freeing to learn this. I expect less of my Type 2 friends in terms of “friend maintenance” and accept that I will be reaching out more because ultimately, it’s my choice and that’s how I choose to show that I care about the friendship. That way I am pleasantly surprised when Type 2 friends reach out to me. Plus, I also know that they will bless me in their own unique ways…that’s why I choose to be friends with them in the first place.

Caption: Me surrounded by Type 2 people…my roommate Cory on the right and his friend Ben on the left.