How to give advice

When I told my friend Tim that I wanted to write a blog post on this topic, he burst out laughing. “Oh Ted…only you would give advice on how to give advice.”

I laughed, nodding in agreement. “Actually, the irony is that I hate getting unsolicited advice. If I want advice I’ll ask for it.”

It’s not that there isn’t value in unsolicited advice…it’s just that I’ve often observed people jump the gun on advice giving when they haven’t even finished listening to the person speak. I don’t know about you, but most of the time when I’m sharing about my first world problems I just want to feel heard. In general it also feels like our world today is in greater need of good listeners than good advice-givers.

Having said that, I do appreciate advice from thoughtful friends who are good listeners….and I also enjoy giving advice. In fact, in a recent conversation about community and friendships Tim was sharing how he didn’t feel comfortable asking me to help him move because I didn’t owe him anything. I immediately interjected, “Oh, you shouldn’t feel like that. You should always ask friends for help for things like that.” (I also told him to read my blog post on the topic.)

Maybe I thought it was okay to give unsolicited advice to Tim because I’m older and wiser, have domain expertise on the subject, and it directly involved me…but I wondered how I would have responded to my own advice if I were in Tim’s shoes.

Literally the next day I got the answer to my question. I was chatting with a certain family member and giving an excuse for something when they jumped in, “Honestly I don’t think that’s what your problem is. You didn’t ask for my advice but I’m going to offer it anyways….”

Isn’t it funny how family is the worst/best at giving advice, since they think they know you best? Well, sometimes they do know you best, and I appreciated that they 1) read the situation correctly and 2) cared enough to tell me like it is.

In closing I thought I’d share what I’ve learned over the years on this topic:

• In general, err on the side of listening and asking questions versus giving advice. Thoughtful, non-intrusive questions are always more welcome than advice.
• If you want to give advice but it’s unclear whether the advice is welcome, try asking something along the lines of, “Do you want me to listen, or can I tell you what I think?”
• I’ve prepared a line for when I get unwelcome unsolicited advice: “Oh, I wasn’t looking for advice.” I haven’t really used it because my typical response is to shut down and fume silently, but at least I’m ready for it. 😂
• Most of the time I’m actually fine with getting advice as long as I feel I’m fully heard/understood. I also try to be explicit about asking for advice if that’s what I want.

If anybody else has any other advice to add, I’d love to hear it.